Open Letter to Dr. Marc Schneider

Hi Doctor Schneider!

Or is it Doctor "Shneider"? Your email address in my in-box indicated the former, but your message steers me toward the latter:

Did you receive the e-mail which I sent to you recently (copied here-below)?
Please confirm since I have had problems lately with emails intercepted by spam-filters set too high.
Cordially,
Marc Shneider, Ph.D.

Maybe you should see what name is printed on your Ph.D. diploma! : )

Anyway, THANK YOU for writing again, for your original correspondence did end up in my spam filter, and I cannot fathom why. So I apologize for my delay in getting back to you. In your initial note, you said:

I am Dr. Marc Schneider and I work for Multilingual Search Engine Optimization Inc. in Washington DC ( Tel: 1 202 250-3645) - I would like to speak with the person in charge of your international clientele. Who is my contact? Who should I speak to??

In fact, after visiting http://www.saltinwound.com , I have noticed that your website cannot be found on foreign search engines (I tested it on Hispanic search engines, German search engines, Asian search engines, etc.) Our company is specialized in multilingual search engine promotions in 28 languages . From the Japanese Google to the German Yahoo, from the AOL in Spanish to the MSN in Chinese, we can show you how to develop a true international online presence by promoting your website on foreign search engines.

You goof! You went back to the "Schneider" spelling! Well, I just wanted to sincerely thank you for visiting Salt in Wound. I hope you were entertained, enlightened, inspired—or all three!—by our humble musings. And I am so grateful for your concern about our worldwide search results. But see, that's all part of the plan! Search engines are for squares, brother! We're like that über-hip bar in your town that doesn't have a sign out front. It's all word-of-mouth among the truly clued-in.

But don't worry, Marc! That doesn't mean we're not internationally known. Quite the contrary! "Salties," as they've lovingly dubbed themselves, routinely send fan mail from the four corners of the Earth: Schoolchildren in Uganda, adventurers in Estonia, and the Denny's staff in Guam are just a few of the "silent majority" who hang on our every post.

And they love that we keep 'em guessing! Are there 12 members of the Collective—or just 3? Is it based in Topanga—or Albany? We're irascible scamps, like that Pirate Radio movie! And the Salties wouldn't have it any other way.

So, Marc, thanks again for your generous offer to give SiW "the true international exposure which it deserves to have with foreign native online users!!" But the truth is, we're already there. Wherever you can look. Wherever there’s a fight so hungry people can eat, Salt in Wound is there. Wherever there’s a cop beatin’ up a guy, Salt in Wound is there. We're in the way guys yell when they’re mad. We're in the way kids laugh when they’re hungry an’ they know supper’s ready. An’ when the people are eatin’ the stuff they raise, and livin’ in the houses they build—we're there, too. Especially if there's a traffic cone out front.

I am not making this up

Yesterday I was waiting in the customer service line at Price Chopper to buy a 10-trip bus pass, since the fare was just raised to $1.50 and I never seem to have any change. Not to mention 10 trips cost only $13. The woman in front of me, who I would guess was from Trinidad or Guyana, was sending a $650 Western Union money order to Lagos, Nigeria ($689 total cost, including service fee). It was a very slow transaction.

I spent the time trying to think of any possible reason this deal might be legitimate, and whether ethics or courtesy demanded that I chime in. Of course, the answers are none and no. At the end she asked the cashier not to tell anyone she had been there. The cashier returned a look of extreme puzzlement, raised her palms, and said "none of my business". Since I made no such pledge, I'm sharing my story.

That's two posts in one day!

Special Diet Suggestion

I go by this store every morning.

Oh, Those Connor Girls!

I'll admit it: For the past five years, I have been obsessed with social networking. First it was Friendster, and then MySpace, and now Facebook. And somewhere along the way, through overseas friends, I've signed up for hi5 and Bebo. Some of these sites have been infiltrated with fictional women, perhaps connected to porn websites or mail-order-bride operations. And of course these spam-generated "women" prey on men who list themselves as single.

It had been a while since I last checked in at hi5. But today, an e-mail notified me that I'd received a friend request from "Daisy Blaire." I clicked through, not thinking that I might actually know Daisy Blaire, but, oh come on...I'm writing this blog post on a Friday night; I obviously have some free time on my hands.

Lo and behold, I had 16 friend requests waiting for me on hi5! And I'd like you to meet 8 of them (pictured above, left to right, top to bottom):

• Erica Connor, requested Mar 6, 2008 4:30 PM

• Whitney Connor, requested Mar 7, 2008 10:42 AM

• Angela Connor, requested Mar 9, 2008 5:07 PM

• Lindsey Connor, requested Mar 17, 2008 5:01 PM

• Julia Connor, requested Mar 29, 2008 1:44 AM

• Trix Connor, requested Mar 31, 2008 4:57 AM

• A different Erica Connor, requested Apr 3, 2008 6:44 PM

• And last but not least, a different Angela Connor, requested Apr 6, 2008 10:10 AM

I don't know how to put this, Erica, and Whitney, and Angela, and Lindsey, and Julia, and Trix, and other Erica, and yes, even you, other Angela, so I'm just going to speak from the heart. I want to be friends with each of you. Who knows, maybe our friendship could develop into "something more" if we take things slow. But if I accept only one of you, I risk hurting the others. And if I accept you all, it might just tear the Connor household apart. And that I simply cannot do. I trust that you'll find happiness, Connors, in some kind of Eight Brides for Eight Brothers sort of deal. But it's not going to happen with Team Silbert.