Salt in Wound Mysteries Presents: Tim Lincecum

Geoge Steinbrenner rode into the All-Star game with a full medical team. Willie McCovey somehow managed to make it, even though he was unable to walk. But Tim Lincecum didn't show up because of "flu-like" symptoms. None of the reports I've read simply called it "the flu." Because, let's face it, he's just another kid who got shit-faced on his big trip to New York. A lot of players had parties Monday night. So where are the pictures?

Exclusively for Baseball Fans of a Certain Age

Every day I ride the PATH train. Recently, we've been encouraged to begin using the new SmartLink card, which you simply tap at the turnstile to go through.

Hey, I'm an early adopter, so I got the card. And now they're encouraging us to register our cards online. This allows you to automatically refill your card from home, while also allowing The Man to track your every move and eventually turn over this information to the robot overlords who will mercilessly hunt us down, and there is no escape, so don't even try.

I digress. Anyway, sure, I registered the card. Name, address, email, serial number on card—no problem. Standard operating procedure.

Then it asked me to give my card a nickname.

A nickname? That one threw me for a loop. Hmmm. What to call it, what to call it? Not enough time to throw an origami contest. So I typed in the first thing that came to my head.

And now my SmartLink card is nicknamed....Rico Cardy.

"Yo' Mama" Joke I Wrote Today, End of Sixth Inning, Yankee Stadium

"Your mama is so skinny, when she does the YMCA dance, it's in cursive."

Tony La Russa is a passive aggressive fuck

Anthony Reyes is not a great pitcher. But he has the potential to be a decent starter. If only his manager and pitching coach would stop clucking like a couple of hens.

Yesterday, Reyes pitched six shutout innings in his latest audition for the St. Louis Cardinal rotation. But there were dark intimations the wind might have helped him.

First his pitching coach, Dave Duncan, damned him with faint praise:

"I always say the bottom line is what you look at," Duncan said. "It's not how you get it but if you get it. In Anthony's case, the bottom line is there today."

But the manager must have been afraid his henchman hadn't driven the point home:

"He made a lot of good pitches," La Russa said. "Whatever the wind was doing he made some good pitches. He was helped a little by the wind. He may have been hurt by the wind. Mostly, he helped himself."

At which point Duncan came to life and piled on:

"For me, it was a real difficult game to evaluate the performances of the pitchers," Duncan said.

The subtleties of the wind clouded their judgment. And yet these are the same guys who, when it was in their interest, managed to miss that Mark McGwire was juiced beyond belief.

If I were Anthony Reyes, I wouldn't feel like I was being set up for success.

Spring Fever

From stltoday.com:

When the Cardinals acquired third baseman Troy Glaus he seemed earmarked for the cleanup job, a big bat protecting Albert Pujols. Then La Russa checked the numbers. Glaus is a career .238 hitter at cleanup, hitting .229 there last season. In the No. 5 spot, Glaus hits .259 (.353 last season) and slugs .500 vs. .471 at cleanup.

Only finding another cleanup hitter would keep the Cardinals from putting him in that spot. And La Russa has someone in mind: Rick Ankiel.

Ankiel hit cleanup in both games against Atlanta, and he went two for three there Sunday. He offers a lefthanded buffer between righties Pujols and Glaus. La Russa has said cleanup is a role he doesn't heap on a batter lightly — that it can be "the most difficult spot in the lineup." He thinks it won't faze Ankiel.

"You take what you think is classic human nature and then you make exceptions if you have a guy," La Russa said. "I think Ank is going to take the same at-bat wherever he goes."

BECAUSE NOTHING COULD EVER MESS WITH RICK ANKIEL'S HEAD.

Elmer Dessens

Between 1996 and 1998, Elmer Dessens was 2-8 for the Pittsburgh Pirates, with an ERA above 6.00. He didn't pitch all that often, but for some reason, probably because of his first name, I seized on him as emblematic of the team's futility. Ten years and five teams later, at age 36, with a lifetime record of 48-61, the Pirates have just offered him a minor league contract. Here's to another last place finish in '08!