Salt in Wound

Henry the Eighth I Am!

2008-05-12T18:25:00.001-07:00

At Busch Gardens in Tampa a few months ago, I noticed that Herman's Hermits were playing. More precisely, Herman's Hermits Starring Peter Noone, the sort of band name that screams of interminable lawsuits. But since Peter Noone had been the singer in the original band, I figured this should at least be an above-average version of Herman's Hermits.

No one in my extended family was interested, so I left them at the queue for the Rhino Rally ride. I was able to walk halfway across the park, catch the show, walk back, and rejoin the family about 3/4 of the way through the line.

I expected the show to be either maudlin and/or boring. In fact, it was quite good, despite the fact that they played few of their own hits, instead relying on others from bands similar to themselves. Even the ten-minute version of "Henry the Eighth" (which was their biggest hit, but actually a cover of a song from 1911 or so) was entertaining. I guess this proves again how even the most fabricated music from 1967 beats almost everything that has come since. Why this is, I'm not completely sure, since the 58-year old women in the audience have displayed a lifetime of bad taste ever since.

Anyway, the city of Albany just announced its free summer concert series and the top headliner is none other than Herman's Hermits Starring Peter Noone! (Granted, others would argue this distinction should go to Dennis DeYoung: The Music of Styx). This time I'm going to bring Keenan.

The King Of Kong

2008-05-11T09:50:00.000-07:00

Seeing that we've been blogging about video games a bit over the last week (or whatever derivation thereof the uWink establishment offers) I thought I'd recommend a terrific documentary about the world of classic video gaming. The King Of Kong: A Fistful Of Quarters is a compelling tale of one man's journey to beat the highest score ever posted on the original classic arcade game, Donkey Kong. The characters are brilliant and couldn't be written so specifically even by the greatest screenwriter in Hollywood. Sorry, Diablo Cody. Actually, New Line has already commissioned a writer to pen a fictionalized remake of the tale, believe it or not. I can't imagine it being nearly as entertaining as the real thing. Check out the original when you get a shot. And maybe while you're here, give your favorite classic arcade game. I was a Galaga guy. Still am. I have a fully functional version on my cell phone.

Happy Mother's Day

2008-05-11T09:38:00.000-07:00

I just love this. I hope you do too.

Sandwich Maker Gets Grilled

2008-05-10T18:21:00.000-07:00

In a textbook example of backfiring advertising, a Quizno's commercial inspired me to eat at Subway. Quizno's was copying Subway's $5 sandwich promotion, but Subway is closer to me. With Hoboken being such a quality sandwich town, I only find myself in the Washington Street Subway location a few times a year. But it's always very clean, and the staff is always quite friendly and helpful, and tonight was no exception. And I could get a meatball sandwich for $265 less than Bernie spent.

So I'm sitting there, eating my sandwich, drinking my soda, crunching on my Baked Lay's (sure, I made it a Combo!), reading record reviews from the back of MOJO Magazine. I'm as happy as a bivalve mollusk and minding my own business when two women enter: one in her late 40s I'm guessing, and the other presumably her mother.

"Could we get a grilled cheese?" the younger one asks the woman behind the counter.

My first thought was, had these women never been inside a Subway restaurant before? But because I'm a good citizen, my thoughts quickly turned to helping them. Where could I send them for a decent grilled cheese? Alas, the nearest diner was many blocks away. I felt useless.

The woman behind the counter was baffled by the request. Soon enough, a male staffer joined her, and a discussion took place. "Yes, yes, we can do that," he said. His confidence allayed my anxiety.

But that was the calm before the storm. "No, we want grilled cheese," said the customer. "Not grilled chicken."

She looked over to me with a "Is it me? Or is it them?" expression on her face. I sympathetically offered, "There used to be a diner on the corner where you could get a nice grilled cheese. Subway's not really the sort of place for that."

At this point I should add that this particular Subway branch is operated by an all-Indian staff. So perhaps cultural upbringing prevented the sort of improvisation that might have resulted in an acceptable, makeshift grilled cheese. Instead, I watched helplessly as a 6-inch rosemary-garlic roll was cut in half and layered with slices of American cheese. "Anything else on there? Lettuce?" asked the counterman. I shook my head sadly: The grilled-cheese concept was not getting through to this man.

The two customers consulted, and decided to put three slices of salami and some tomato on the sandwich. The lamentable creation was placed open-faced into the mini oven for an incredibly short time. I couldn't watch anymore. I buried my head in my record reviews as the sandwich was wrapped and the women left the restaurant.

And then I got even sadder. I could've sent them to nearby Panera! With the wider selection of bread styles and the panini press, I'm sure a very respectable grilled cheese could've been churned out. Oh hindsight, how you mock me.

I finished my meal and thought about typing up this story and getting a chance to use the "sandwiches" label again. And that's when the craziest thing happened: The younger of the two women re-entered the restaurant. I braced myself for her inevitable gripe that melted cheese on a sub-sandwich roll did not constitute grilled cheese. Perhaps she would also demand her money back. And this time I would redeem myself with my excellent Panera suggestion.

"That sandwich was really good," said the woman. "Could we get another one?"

Topanga Creek Cleanup

2008-05-10T10:13:00.000-07:00

An article in the local Topanga newspaper gave details of an Earth Day creek cleanup. It explained the bagging of cans, bottles, and other trash, and then they found a couch which was

I Need Assistance

2008-05-07T10:46:00.000-07:00

Our U Wink screen:

Yes, we went back to UWink at the urging of Isa and her friend. This time we brought Tomi, whose gorgeousness and single status would bring good fortune to our table. I posted earlier about a prior visit and subsequent UWink investor's comments. The investor commented on the fact the ladies having fun would bring me out of my negative funk to have fun as well.

Ok! This time I was going to have fun.

I tried to tell the waiter that we'd been there before, but Tomi objected; not knowing the 'training' to use the computer would take a solid twenty minutes. Three minutes in she realized she made a mistake, but there was no stopping the waiter at this point. "See where the picture of the drink is? Okay, so if you want a drink you press on that. You want a cocktail? Okay, then we need to press where it says "Cocktails." And on. And on. "I was a computer programmer for years, " I protested. "Plus, anyone who has ever waitressed since the 90's is going to know how to use a touch-screen ordering system."

The waiter looked hurt.

The kids had already ordered while we were receiving our training.

Finally I could order my drink. We noticed a man under the table next to us, arms filled with wires: a repairman. There was also a raucous crowd in the back, drinking beers and yelling out answers.

We found out very quickly that they had changed the system. They now give "credits" for food purchased that go toward the games, which aren't free anymore. I thought to myself, well, that's understandable, you can't have people nursing a coke and playing How To Be a Millionaire all day can you?

Isa and her friend ran out of credits within five minutes.

Tomi helpfully swiped her card to buy them ten dollars worth of credits, and six minutes later they were begging again for more. They were also asking to shop at the 'virtual store' for stuffed animals and other items like pink digital cameras. Tomi and I went over to their (greasy) screens to investigate their desperation. Turns out they weren't playing just games, but they were playing games to win prizes (such as the aforementioned cheap made-you-know-where crap) and these games took a lot more credits to play.

At that point, we heard a loud pop and our screens went dark. A collective groan emanated from the party in the back. Other tables were still happily poking away at the screens. "Maybe the computer has lost our order and we'll get a free meal," I thought, and the server moved us to a new table. Within a few swipes, Tomi's name and yes, our tab were waiting for us.

We let the kids each get a stuffed animal and one outfit, because in ten minutes there was going to be a restaurant-wide trivia game, and Tomi and I were feeling like a good team. Also, I knew that buying the bears was going to be a lot cheaper than the kids trying to win them. (I can say this because I consider myself to be excellent at both Chuzzle and Bejeweled I and II and there were games similar to that and I couldn't even get close to winning a keychain.)

In the meanwhile, our food came, and we weren't the best at not duplicating orders, so I requested assistance.

"Sarah" won the trivia game. We knew this because it was blasted on the giant screen. "Who is Sarah?" Tomi and I yelled, and right behind us a mousy woman with long brown hair and glasses cheerfully raised her coke to us.

We got more credits and were determined to beat Sarah.

She won the next game and the next. How did she know so much about sports? All the other players were pretty drunk so they were easy to beat. But Sarah, sitting there drinking coke and nibbling on a fry, was not going to waver. Tomi and I decided to come back again, without the kids, and win the trivia contest.

We got the bill.

$270.

Ease on Down the Road

2008-05-05T20:35:00.000-07:00

The University of Minnesota is dealing with fairness over casting for The Wiz.
My high school did not grapple with such issues. Our all-white cast had none other than Barbie Andretti as Dorothy.
Yes, Mario Andretti's daughter.
I was a munchkin.

English

2008-05-04T13:47:00.000-07:00

Nice.

Well, There Goes My Fantasy Baseball Team

2008-05-03T15:29:00.001-07:00

Julio Franco has announced his retirement from the Quintana Roo Tigers of the Mexican league.

Overheard at Nail Salon Yesterday

2008-05-02T09:48:00.000-07:00

I don't see the point in slathering one's nails in an acetone-based enamel paint; but Isa enjoys it, so I indulge her on occasion.
Overheard:

Lady: "So how was your trip to Japan?"

Tech: "It was great. It's really clean there and the people are so polite."

Lady: "What season is it in Japan now? Aren't they like, opposite of us or something?"

Tech: "Well, it was a bit cool, there were flowers everywhere...I think it was fall."

Lady: "That sounds right. Wow, Japan in fall...in April! How fun!"

Thanks, Amazon!

2008-05-02T09:39:00.000-07:00

E-mail I just received:

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The Complete Peanuts 1967-1968 (Complete Peanuts)
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Radioactive Cat

2008-05-01T20:19:00.000-07:00

John is what I would call an extreme pet lover. Me, I'm different, I hail from a place where our neighbor's farm treated their cows lovingly and then slaughtered them and labeled the meat in the freezer with their names; animals had functions. An animal that didn't have a function was a frivolous thing. People in our neighborhood had cats and dogs, but I don't remember basic veterinary care being commonplace (except for the horses and livestock).
Hence, my confusion about where to draw the line for John's aging menagerie.
Our vet is always giving us a hard time about the dog and cat's teeth. She bugs us to get dental cleanings, and when I relented and allowed it, our cat Baloney was found to have a cavity. We were given a referral to a cat dentist who could fill the tooth. That one actually crossed John's line, and he said, "why didn't they just pull the damn thing?"
Last week, poor white cat Swee'Pea stopped eating. John was going away, I told him to say goodbye just in case. She was diagnosed with diabetes, and I was asked if I could give her twice-daily injection shots. I told the vet that I would do whatever John wanted, and here I am, two weeks later, injecting the cat with insulin.
The cat is doing fantastic, by the way. I almost feel guilty for my approach to these problems. Now we have an energetic, loving-once-more, insulin-dependent cat.
Then there's Baloney, the black and white tom. Now this cat has wormed a certain place into my heart because of his total friendliness to any person who comes over. What cat is ever like that? His good-naturedness has never waned in his new illness which is hyperthyroidism, a condition that has made him terribly skinny.
The vet put him on a daily dose of pills (which he willingly ate, what a cat!) and recommended a procedure to treat him with radioactivity to quash the tumor in his thyroid gland.
We learned that upon return from the treatment, that Baloney would be radioactive for two weeks, and that his urine must be separated and bagged, and that he can't be petted or touched until his system is free of the isotope.
John and I certainly waffled back and forth on this one. Should we do it? Have we gone too far once again?
We said yes, Baloney is officially radioactive and we pick him up tomorrow. My next new job: taking care of one radioactive cat.

Recurring themes

2008-04-29T19:24:00.001-07:00

Keenan told me that a kid was belittling him for not knowing who the Backstreet Boys were, or any other hip hop or rap groups. (The Backstreet Boys fit into neither of these categories and peaked when he was 2, so he gets major points for not even being able to come up with a proper example of what he is accused of not knowing).

Conveniently, I was able to point him to this song from my forthcoming album.

Fun With Anagrams

2008-04-29T15:06:00.000-07:00

During a bought with procrastination-itis today I decided to use the time wisely by seeing how many anagrams I could come up with using the word "procrastinate." I stopped at 2 because I realized that by using the procrastination period to deconstruct the word "procrastinate" I was in fact creating some sort of cosmic etymological wormhole that could destroy the universe.

Here are the two I came up with:

Stir on a carpet.

I rate cars 'n pot.

Anyone care to add their two or three cents worth? Or nonsense worth, as it were?

Mega-Fruit

2008-04-28T22:20:00.000-07:00

The other day, out of nowhere, Isa wanted a toy. We don't have toy shops near us, save for a Babies R Us store a few miles away. I didn't think they'd have anything, but we went in just to make sure.
I don't think I've ever been in a Babies R Us.
They didn't have any toys for older kids.
On the way out, we were certainly startled by the above image, an offering in a candy dispenser costing a DOLLAR (!) and the size of a baby's fist. Isa was initially drawn to it; then said, "Yuck! Oh my gosh! Gross!"
I introduce you to the Hummer of candy vending: Mega Fruit.

This Charmin Man

2008-04-27T18:32:00.000-07:00

I just bought toilet paper at the CVS Pharmacy. I had used my last squares earlier in the day. It felt a little weird buying just toilet paper, but I couldn't think of anything else I needed. (It is a spartan existence I lead.) Still, I couldn't quite shake that old "I'll take the Trojan-brand product...and this pack of M&M's" urge. Throw the clerks off the trail of my shopping excursion's primary purpose. Did I need a greeting card? Chew toy? Cuticle scissors? But then it hit me: I could conduct this one-item transaction without shame. The cashier would not be condescendingly thinking, "Now here's a guy who has to go to the can!" Because if I really, really needed to go to the bathroom, I wouldn't be stopping to purchase toilet tissue.

No. I'd be ducking into the Barnes & Noble.

Isa's Riddle

2008-04-23T17:08:00.000-07:00

Isa said to me, "Name a word that is both of two things, and yet also neither of the two things at the same time."
"I give up," I replied.
"Brunch," she said, "It's both breakfast and lunch, yet it is neither as well."

"Well, in that case," I said, "My new answer is spork. Not a spoon, not a fork. Both."

Best response gets an origami prize, made by Isa.

Four Card Puzzle

2008-04-22T18:22:00.000-07:00

'Cause it's been awhile since we've had a good puzzle.

You're sitting at a table with four playing cards on it. Two are face up and two are face down. You see an 8, a King, a red-backed card, and a blue-backed card.

You're told that all the Kings in front of you have red backs. What is the maximum number of cards you have to turn over to test if that's true? Which cards do you turn over?

What did she say??

2008-04-20T19:24:00.000-07:00

Last night my husband Mike and I dragged our butts out to dinner because we had a babysitter. We both were tired and not in the mood to go out. But things started looking up when we found ourselves seated at my favorite kind of restaurant table - a banquette. I love this because I adore communal dining and chatting it up with almost anyone that may sit next to us. I also love to watch people in restaurants: how they sit, drink, order, eat, use their utensils, talk, etc..This is a good thing, I might add, because my family is in the restaurant business.
I always mention to the hostess when we are being seated at a banquette to try and put someone interesting by me. Mike kind of doesn't like the banquette. He doesn't thrive on butting into conversations and staring at people.
whatever.
BUT the section that we were in last night had a bunch of TVs on the wall above my head with a basketball game on. Go ahead, watch basketball while I eavesdrop, honey.
Then, the "interesting" people I requested came and sat down. Two very hot women with their not very hot dates. The one in particular kept glancing over and even made a basketball comment, which finally drew Mike's eyes away from the TV and over to her hot self.
I admit she was sexy. The kind of sexy that men and women all up and down the damn banquette are staring at. She flipped her hair around a lot and laughed a pretty contagious laugh. Then she orders a round of shots and makes it abundantly clear that she is a party girl, albeit an amateur. (who does shots before dinner?)
As we chatted a little with this odd quartet, I was getting a bit nostalgic (and maybe envious) as they were looking at their watches to make sure they would be arriving LATE enough at a party. (We, on the other hand, were looking at our watches to make sure we weren't getting home too late for the sitter.)
We even shared a laugh with them about this and said something like, "Ha ha we are so boring now. I remember those days." and then the little hottie said "oh, that's OK honey you can just live viCURIOUSly through us."
Now who is laughing a contagious laugh?...

My Trip to Salt Lake City

2008-04-20T10:07:00.000-07:00

• Come on, Delta Airlines: No free movie, no free meal on a nearly cross-country flight? That's weak. The menu says:
Todd English has developed a unique style and approach to the cuisine of his many restaurants, both on land and at sea (Cunard's QM2 and Queen Victoria). Among them is his highly acclaimed Olives, featuring interpretive rustic Mediterranean dishes, now in six cities nationwide. This award-winning chef, author, and television personality offers a modern twist on familiar favorites for his signature entrées on Delta's new in-flight menu.

Translation? Eight bucks for a chicken parm sandwich. I'll admit, it was a surprisingly good sandwich. But I'll take Continental's shitty-but-free "Pierre Creations" beef-and-swiss sub any day of the week. (Note to mon ami Pierre: Here in the U.S. we actually call that dish a "cheeseburger.")

• I will give Delta a couple of points for the hardwood-pattern floor covering in the lavatory. Classy.

• In three days, I only got hassled by Mormons once. Two dark-suited young fellows accosted me (albeit politely) as I waited to cross the street. I was handed a card with a picture of Jesus on it. I was told there was a number on the back that I could call for a free DVD. Not my cup of tea, but still, with Delta charging $6 for a movie, I admire the generosity.

• The state's citizens are called "Utahns." Which rhymes with croutons.

• As a movie buff, I really like living near New York City. But the truth is: In Salt Lake City, it's cheaper to go to the multiplex ($8 vs. $12) and they have selections that haven't even been released in Manhattan.

• Shouldn't an arcade called "Tilt" contain at least one pinball machine?

• Shouldn't I be too old to be wandering around mall arcades?

• Since when did Blondie get topical?

• "Isaac Asimov's Super Quiz" appears in the Salt Lake Tribune.

• I like the airline seatbelt urging "low and tight across your lap." It sounds kind of sexy.

I'll Donate $25 to the Catholic Church

2008-04-19T22:07:00.000-07:00

...if Benedict XVI heads down to Bleecker Street on Sunday and proclaims, "Now I'M the Pope of Greenwich Village, beyotch."

"search terms"

2008-04-19T18:05:00.000-07:00

The other day Isa told us about watching a youtube video where a man is doing martial arts and "a mysterious brown bulge" begins to come out of his butt, or something gross like that. Isa knows she's only allowed to go to youtube for something specific, like a bird video, she's not allowed to randomly move from link to link. I immediately sprung into action. This is the sort of parenting situation where I'm a little quicker on the draw than Bernie. "What were your search terms," I demanded to know, "what were your search terms?!" Isa remained calm, she didn't seem particularly guilty. "Hatching eggs," she replied.

Rattlesnakes

2008-04-18T16:46:00.000-07:00

I took Isa on a hike in Topanga State Park. The weather was quite warm, so I reminded Isa to be careful of rattlesnakes. About a mile into our hike, a couple warned us that "about a quarter mile up, there's a big one right off the trail, on the left." I thanked them and we kept walking. A few minutes passed and Isa said in a small voice, "Have we gone a quarter of a mile yet?"
I said no, but it seemed prudent to begin treading carefully. Isa then pointed out that the man said "on the left." "His left or our left?" she pleaded.
I was thinking the same thing so we anxiously scanned both sides of the path. Finally, we got to a point where I said we had definitely gone a quarter mile, and we both wanted to turn around, but we pushed further.
We saw a man, wildly waving. "Want to see a big rattler?"
The self-identified amateur herpetologist pointed out the snake, coiled under a bush. The creature looked angry. "I borrowed a walking stick to move him off the trail," he said, "but he keeps coming right back on. He's hungry."
He then told Isa she could take a few steps closer.
"Isa, don't," I said.
He then told me that I should carry a walking stick, 'to better move them off the path, you know.'
I told him I probably wouldn't do such a thing, and we thanked him and took our leave. A half a mile later, I spotted a huge rattler, right on the side of a hill, stretched out like a rope on a cliff. Again, I wanted to turn around but knew our path might be blocked by the other snake.
They say Guam is infested with snakes. However; in all my years of living there, and that includes tromping around in the jungle a lot, I have seen a total of three brown tree snakes, and one of them was in the zoo. The other was in the middle of the road, and about ten feet long. After some discussion and consternation, a group of Navy men decided to run it over with their jeep.
I've had plenty of snake sightings in Topanga. Last year alone I saw several ring-necked snakes, some gopher snakes, and plenty of Western rattlesnakes. Here are some interesting informal statistics: Sixty percent of all rattlesnake bite victims were messing with the snake to some degree; and of those victims, half of them were drinking.

Intonation

2008-04-15T20:27:00.000-07:00

This has been bothering me for a great while, and now is just endemic:
Everyone? Here? Raises every statement that they are telling you? As like, a question?

And then there's the 'thank you.' It sounds like "Hank-KYOUU!!" from every female I've come across locally. This was pointed out to me by a screenwriter whose name escapes me, I feel I need to give him credit; hankkyOOOO!!!.
He tells me this intonation has taken the country by storm, I believe him.
So like, I was like, you know? Um. HANKKYOOO!!!!

Our Favorite Snacks

2008-04-12T21:25:00.000-07:00

I shop at a Korean supermarket. I could eat Korean food for the rest of my life. Isa's in charge of obtaining the snacks to put in the cart, while I'm browsing the kimchi aisle. For herself, Isa gets:

(I know, I know, It's Japanese but they have a Korean counterpart, Pepero.)
For John, she put this in the cart:

And finally, for me!

And yes, Pretz are pretzel-like.