Recurring themes

Keenan told me that a kid was belittling him for not knowing who the Backstreet Boys were, or any other hip hop or rap groups. (The Backstreet Boys fit into neither of these categories and peaked when he was 2, so he gets major points for not even being able to come up with a proper example of what he is accused of not knowing).

Conveniently, I was able to point him to this song from my forthcoming album.

Fun With Anagrams

During a bought with procrastination-itis today I decided to use the time wisely by seeing how many anagrams I could come up with using the word "procrastinate." I stopped at 2 because I realized that by using the procrastination period to deconstruct the word "procrastinate" I was in fact creating some sort of cosmic etymological wormhole that could destroy the universe.

Here are the two I came up with:

Stir on a carpet.

I rate cars 'n pot.

Anyone care to add their two or three cents worth? Or nonsense worth, as it were?

Mega-Fruit

The other day, out of nowhere, Isa wanted a toy. We don't have toy shops near us, save for a Babies R Us store a few miles away. I didn't think they'd have anything, but we went in just to make sure.
I don't think I've ever been in a Babies R Us.
They didn't have any toys for older kids.
On the way out, we were certainly startled by the above image, an offering in a candy dispenser costing a DOLLAR (!) and the size of a baby's fist. Isa was initially drawn to it; then said, "Yuck! Oh my gosh! Gross!"
I introduce you to the Hummer of candy vending: Mega Fruit.

This Charmin Man

I just bought toilet paper at the CVS Pharmacy. I had used my last squares earlier in the day. It felt a little weird buying just toilet paper, but I couldn't think of anything else I needed. (It is a spartan existence I lead.) Still, I couldn't quite shake that old "I'll take the Trojan-brand product...and this pack of M&M's" urge. Throw the clerks off the trail of my shopping excursion's primary purpose. Did I need a greeting card? Chew toy? Cuticle scissors? But then it hit me: I could conduct this one-item transaction without shame. The cashier would not be condescendingly thinking, "Now here's a guy who has to go to the can!" Because if I really, really needed to go to the bathroom, I wouldn't be stopping to purchase toilet tissue.

No. I'd be ducking into the Barnes & Noble.

Isa's Riddle

Isa said to me, "Name a word that is both of two things, and yet also neither of the two things at the same time."
"I give up," I replied.
"Brunch," she said, "It's both breakfast and lunch, yet it is neither as well."

"Well, in that case," I said, "My new answer is spork. Not a spoon, not a fork. Both."

Best response gets an origami prize, made by Isa.

Four Card Puzzle

'Cause it's been awhile since we've had a good puzzle.

You're sitting at a table with four playing cards on it. Two are face up and two are face down. You see an 8, a King, a red-backed card, and a blue-backed card.

You're told that all the Kings in front of you have red backs. What is the maximum number of cards you have to turn over to test if that's true? Which cards do you turn over?

What did she say??

Last night my husband Mike and I dragged our butts out to dinner because we had a babysitter. We both were tired and not in the mood to go out. But things started looking up when we found ourselves seated at my favorite kind of restaurant table - a banquette. I love this because I adore communal dining and chatting it up with almost anyone that may sit next to us. I also love to watch people in restaurants: how they sit, drink, order, eat, use their utensils, talk, etc..This is a good thing, I might add, because my family is in the restaurant business.
I always mention to the hostess when we are being seated at a banquette to try and put someone interesting by me. Mike kind of doesn't like the banquette. He doesn't thrive on butting into conversations and staring at people.
whatever.
BUT the section that we were in last night had a bunch of TVs on the wall above my head with a basketball game on. Go ahead, watch basketball while I eavesdrop, honey.
Then, the "interesting" people I requested came and sat down. Two very hot women with their not very hot dates. The one in particular kept glancing over and even made a basketball comment, which finally drew Mike's eyes away from the TV and over to her hot self.
I admit she was sexy. The kind of sexy that men and women all up and down the damn banquette are staring at. She flipped her hair around a lot and laughed a pretty contagious laugh. Then she orders a round of shots and makes it abundantly clear that she is a party girl, albeit an amateur. (who does shots before dinner?)
As we chatted a little with this odd quartet, I was getting a bit nostalgic (and maybe envious) as they were looking at their watches to make sure they would be arriving LATE enough at a party. (We, on the other hand, were looking at our watches to make sure we weren't getting home too late for the sitter.)
We even shared a laugh with them about this and said something like, "Ha ha we are so boring now. I remember those days." and then the little hottie said "oh, that's OK honey you can just live viCURIOUSly through us."
Now who is laughing a contagious laugh?...

My Trip to Salt Lake City

• Come on, Delta Airlines: No free movie, no free meal on a nearly cross-country flight? That's weak. The menu says:
Todd English has developed a unique style and approach to the cuisine of his many restaurants, both on land and at sea (Cunard's QM2 and Queen Victoria). Among them is his highly acclaimed Olives, featuring interpretive rustic Mediterranean dishes, now in six cities nationwide. This award-winning chef, author, and television personality offers a modern twist on familiar favorites for his signature entrées on Delta's new in-flight menu.

Translation? Eight bucks for a chicken parm sandwich. I'll admit, it was a surprisingly good sandwich. But I'll take Continental's shitty-but-free "Pierre Creations" beef-and-swiss sub any day of the week. (Note to mon ami Pierre: Here in the U.S. we actually call that dish a "cheeseburger.")

• I will give Delta a couple of points for the hardwood-pattern floor covering in the lavatory. Classy.

• In three days, I only got hassled by Mormons once. Two dark-suited young fellows accosted me (albeit politely) as I waited to cross the street. I was handed a card with a picture of Jesus on it. I was told there was a number on the back that I could call for a free DVD. Not my cup of tea, but still, with Delta charging $6 for a movie, I admire the generosity.

• The state's citizens are called "Utahns." Which rhymes with croutons.

• As a movie buff, I really like living near New York City. But the truth is: In Salt Lake City, it's cheaper to go to the multiplex ($8 vs. $12) and they have selections that haven't even been released in Manhattan.

• Shouldn't an arcade called "Tilt" contain at least one pinball machine?

• Shouldn't I be too old to be wandering around mall arcades?

• Since when did Blondie get topical?

• "Isaac Asimov's Super Quiz" appears in the Salt Lake Tribune.

• I like the airline seatbelt urging "low and tight across your lap." It sounds kind of sexy.

I'll Donate $25 to the Catholic Church

...if Benedict XVI heads down to Bleecker Street on Sunday and proclaims, "Now I'M the Pope of Greenwich Village, beyotch."

"search terms"

The other day Isa told us about watching a youtube video where a man is doing martial arts and "a mysterious brown bulge" begins to come out of his butt, or something gross like that. Isa knows she's only allowed to go to youtube for something specific, like a bird video, she's not allowed to randomly move from link to link. I immediately sprung into action. This is the sort of parenting situation where I'm a little quicker on the draw than Bernie. "What were your search terms," I demanded to know, "what were your search terms?!" Isa remained calm, she didn't seem particularly guilty. "Hatching eggs," she replied.

Rattlesnakes

I took Isa on a hike in Topanga State Park. The weather was quite warm, so I reminded Isa to be careful of rattlesnakes. About a mile into our hike, a couple warned us that "about a quarter mile up, there's a big one right off the trail, on the left." I thanked them and we kept walking. A few minutes passed and Isa said in a small voice, "Have we gone a quarter of a mile yet?"
I said no, but it seemed prudent to begin treading carefully. Isa then pointed out that the man said "on the left." "His left or our left?" she pleaded.
I was thinking the same thing so we anxiously scanned both sides of the path. Finally, we got to a point where I said we had definitely gone a quarter mile, and we both wanted to turn around, but we pushed further.
We saw a man, wildly waving. "Want to see a big rattler?"
The self-identified amateur herpetologist pointed out the snake, coiled under a bush. The creature looked angry. "I borrowed a walking stick to move him off the trail," he said, "but he keeps coming right back on. He's hungry."
He then told Isa she could take a few steps closer.
"Isa, don't," I said.
He then told me that I should carry a walking stick, 'to better move them off the path, you know.'
I told him I probably wouldn't do such a thing, and we thanked him and took our leave. A half a mile later, I spotted a huge rattler, right on the side of a hill, stretched out like a rope on a cliff. Again, I wanted to turn around but knew our path might be blocked by the other snake.
They say Guam is infested with snakes. However; in all my years of living there, and that includes tromping around in the jungle a lot, I have seen a total of three brown tree snakes, and one of them was in the zoo. The other was in the middle of the road, and about ten feet long. After some discussion and consternation, a group of Navy men decided to run it over with their jeep.
I've had plenty of snake sightings in Topanga. Last year alone I saw several ring-necked snakes, some gopher snakes, and plenty of Western rattlesnakes. Here are some interesting informal statistics: Sixty percent of all rattlesnake bite victims were messing with the snake to some degree; and of those victims, half of them were drinking.

Intonation

This has been bothering me for a great while, and now is just endemic:
Everyone? Here? Raises every statement that they are telling you? As like, a question?

And then there's the 'thank you.' It sounds like "Hank-KYOUU!!" from every female I've come across locally. This was pointed out to me by a screenwriter whose name escapes me, I feel I need to give him credit; hankkyOOOO!!!.
He tells me this intonation has taken the country by storm, I believe him.
So like, I was like, you know? Um. HANKKYOOO!!!!

Our Favorite Snacks

I shop at a Korean supermarket. I could eat Korean food for the rest of my life. Isa's in charge of obtaining the snacks to put in the cart, while I'm browsing the kimchi aisle. For herself, Isa gets:

(I know, I know, It's Japanese but they have a Korean counterpart, Pepero.)
For John, she put this in the cart:

And finally, for me!

And yes, Pretz are pretzel-like.

But the 15-year-olds will love us!

That's not my opinion... I'm just reporting our scientifically-derived blog rating as calculated here. That puts us a rung above Paris Hilton on the reading level ladder, but, alas, a rung under Perez Hilton.

What can we do about this? I, for one, intend to ameliorate our valuation via articulating my suppositions by the usage of a higher number of obscure, arcane, and enigmatic words.

Oh - have I mentioned that Wikipedia now claims that the Schur multiplier is usually defined as the second homology group of a group G with coefficients in the integers?!? Come on, Wikipedia - give me a break!

Sandbagging

Craigslist has been hailed as a liberal triumph, and has put a lot of newspaper classified-ad staffers out of work. To me, it is mostly just odd.

While cleaning up the yard last weekend, Micaela uncovered three 60 lb. bags of sand under a bunch of brambles. This wasn't sandbox sand, or concrete sand, but sand that is recommended to put in your trunk to increase traction. We have no use for it, but with a retail value of $10-15, Micaela said, "Let's post it for free on Craigslist!"

So I did. Within minutes, there was a reply: "When and where can I pick it up?" Micaela was excited by the ease and efficiency of this system. "Don't get too excited," I said, "that sand could be with us for a while." For I have previously sold and given away around a dozen items on craigslist, and what I've learned is that there are people - many people - lurking and seizing on any new posting, with no intention of ever owning the item in question.

We got five offers for the sand on the first day. One, sent after dark from a remote town, said he would be there "in 1.5 hours". Another's e-mail address was lapmeballs@aol.com; simply replying probably made me the victim of some obscure pubescent prank. But I replied anyway, I replied to everyone, with my phone number and (approximate) address. The phone never rang.

The next morning there were eight more offers, to which I made eight replies. Later that day I did receive one call, but the person ended up being a no-show. Now on day five, the responses seem to have topped out in the low 20s. The sandbags remain on the driveway.

I don't even want to think about what it's like to post a personal ad.

This posting is Rated R

Last week the New York State Department of Health ramped up its campaign to equate smoking in films with an R rating, taking out full-page ads in every major state newspaper containing pre-written clip-and-mail letters to major studio executives.

I decided to make this the basis of a dinnertime civic discussion with my 10-year old son, an easier topic than why our governor had to resign. To my surprise, rather than weigh the idea he just laughed. "Does that mean Looney Tunes will be rated R?" he asked. That depends: if they are imitating other Hollywood actors, then no, because exceptions to the R rating may be granted if smoking is necessary to "accurately depict a historical figure".

"Does that mean I can't play outside?" Since we live close to a hospital that has banned smoking, scenes like the one depicted here can be seen around the clock, with the aid of binoculars. But exceptions to the R rating are permissible if smoking is depicted in an unambiguously negative light, and I think the permanent huddle outside the hospital would qualify.

I support smoking bans in hotels and restaurants because it is a clear-cut workplace safety issue. Smoking in films is a workplace safety issue, too, and sooner or later studios are going to be made to stop smoking on the set and start faking it. But banning the depiction of smoking to those under age 17 hearkens to the Hays Code.

Note of caution to the dwindling number of you who still buy newspapers: Today's Doonesbury includes a depiction of the Easter Bunny holding a lit cigarette.

I Bet They're eating Utz Pretzels and Charles Chips

This was the front page photo on NYTimes.com, for an article about Obama in Pennsylvania. I love this picture. Can someone please send me a cold Yuengling?

Letter Writing

I like to write letters to publications when something bothers me. Vogue published an article about female circumcision. I wrote them a strongly worded letter how I didn't feel that what was happening to these women in Africa could be named such a thing, unless of course circumcision entails cutting off a man's entire penis. My letter was succinct, and downright disgusting in the way I described what was actually happening. I did get a response that they'd be printing my letter, but it didn't make the cut (no pun intended).
One of my favorites was a letter to CNN about this . Since I worked there at the time, I knew of the man "creating" the calendar, and also knew he just simply made up this idea of what he wanted to do. I asked CNN in my letter, every time some possibly unstable man comes up with an idea (with no execution or support in place whatsoever) is this news?
My latest letter I just wrote to the New York Times is a bit trickier for me, as it's about vernacular. Merill Perlman is a copy editor, and occasionally takes questions from readers.
I wrote to her and asked her her thoughts on an article in my local paper, the L.A. Times. In brief, here is the paragraph that bothered me:

Giving away products can backfire when people have a bad experience with them. Brooke Morgan, 13, said she received a sample of Suave deodorant but wasn't happy with it. And bad word gets out: Keller Fay found that teens are slightly more likely than the general public to dis a product if they don't like it.

Dis?

I wonder what Merill will think. I also asked about 'bling"-- which graces the pages of both these newspapers. I hope she answers my question in her column.

Shameless Self-Promotion

It's no April Fools trick: I have co-co-co-authored a book, The Modern Con Man: How To Get Something For Nothing, which is out today through Bloomsbury USA. It's filled with funny bets and pranks to pull on friends, enemies, lovers, coworkers, and total strangers, along with plenty of snarky commentary, flimflam history, and some blank pages just to thicken it up a bit. The perfect gift for the poker-playing former-frat-boy in your life!