"Can you watch my things?"
Today at the beach, there was a mother next to us with four kids. She absolutely never shut up. I told Bernie she's the sort of person who has children just so there's a captive audience to listen to her non-stop stream of trivia. When she gathered the family to go for a hike, I was relieved. Until she asked me to watch her things.
She smiled fetchingly. As far as she was concerned, this was a formality.
We could be leaving as soon as twenty minutes from now, I replied flatly.
That's all right, she said, clearly confused that my response wasn't unconditional. She wasn't really worried about people, she emphasized: it's the birds that try to get into everything.
Was she asking me to fight off birds?
I'm not beating away birds, I told her firmly. I'd be happy to yell at people, I added, but only because she'd already indicated that wouldn't be necessary.
She flashed a knowing smile. Of course common courtesy dictated I'd step in at the first sign of trouble.
She went away. I returned to my book. And the birds went to work.
Labels: adults do the darndest things, great mothers, pet peeves, Topanga
posted by John Levenstein at
8:23 PM
9 Comments:
Last week at a popular NYC outdoor burger spot, a young couple at the next table asked if i could watch their stuff. Sure I could. When they returned, I so very much wanted to say, "You know, your drivers license is about to expire." But I did not.
I can't believe that is all the stuff she has with four kids at the beach. Did the birds take most of it away?
Oh and btw, Jack Silbert must be the most honest looking person in the world because I would NEVER do that in Cleveland, let along New York.
Why would you ever ask a random stranger to watch your stuff?
Yesterday some random dude at the Dark Knight asked me to watch his bag. New York is a very trusting town! I am fairly honest looking! The final half hour of the Dark Knight is extraneous!
John, here's a challenge. Find some people who don't usually read Salt in Wound. Show them this post about watching other peoples' things at the beach, and show them the post about people crunching on ice at the movies, the one I wrote impersonating you. I'll bet you $20 they won't be able to tell which is the parody.
Find some people who don't usually read Salt in Wound.
Now there's a challenge! The key is the word "usually".
Wait, what was the end to the story?!!? She must've returned to find her things in disarray, strewn about by greedy beaked bastards. Were you there to enjoy that moment?
I once was at an airport and saw a woman who needed to get on her plane ask the gate agents to watch her infant granddaughter until her daughter (the baby's mother) returned from the bathroom. When the gate agents said, "No," the woman threw herself down on the ground and started screaming and crying. When the daughter/mother got back from the bathroom and found out that her mother had tried to have the gate agents watch the baby, she had a conniption fit at her mother. It basically ended with security being called and everybody being taken away. I think this was in Baltimore.
This all sounds very much like Horton Hatches the Egg.
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