Valentine's Day Dilemma
Here's my Valentine's day dilemma. Please tell me what you think.
I've been on three dates with a woman whom I'm at least moderately interested in. There's nothing going on between us - it could wind up being a friendship or something else. Any of those are fine; I'm looking for something serious and am fine going slow. I've asked her out to a few things and she's asked me out to a few too. I do have the sense that she might be involved with someone but the subject hasn't come up yet and it's not something I feel the need to approach just yet.
A band I love is playing on Thursday night. I'd like to ask her to go. But Thursday is Valentine's day, and things are not at a point where I would be looking to ask her out just because it's Valentine's day. So do I mention Valentine's day in the invitation or just ignore it? The only thing I'm concerned about here is that she forgets it's Valentines day, says yes, and then realizes it and feels trapped into it. So what to do?
Wow. Just read this back and am amazed at how wimpy it sounds. For you married people, maybe it'll remind you of neurotic it can be to be single and make you oh-so-much-more grateful for your marriages.
Oh. When I asked John if this was appropriate to post here, he said yes, but said make it entertaining. I'm not sure if this was entertaining enough. So here's my unrelated favorite kid's joke:
Q: What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?
A: Dam!
I've been on three dates with a woman whom I'm at least moderately interested in. There's nothing going on between us - it could wind up being a friendship or something else. Any of those are fine; I'm looking for something serious and am fine going slow. I've asked her out to a few things and she's asked me out to a few too. I do have the sense that she might be involved with someone but the subject hasn't come up yet and it's not something I feel the need to approach just yet.
A band I love is playing on Thursday night. I'd like to ask her to go. But Thursday is Valentine's day, and things are not at a point where I would be looking to ask her out just because it's Valentine's day. So do I mention Valentine's day in the invitation or just ignore it? The only thing I'm concerned about here is that she forgets it's Valentines day, says yes, and then realizes it and feels trapped into it. So what to do?
Wow. Just read this back and am amazed at how wimpy it sounds. For you married people, maybe it'll remind you of neurotic it can be to be single and make you oh-so-much-more grateful for your marriages.
Oh. When I asked John if this was appropriate to post here, he said yes, but said make it entertaining. I'm not sure if this was entertaining enough. So here's my unrelated favorite kid's joke:
Q: What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?
A: Dam!
Labels: dilemmas, friends helping friends helping friends, holidays, jokes
posted by Robert at
4:25 PM
51 Comments:
As a bonus entertainment, here's something a friend of mine once said that's vaguely related to the fish joke: If you say "darn", you go to heck.
I would just put it all out on the table in a planned moment of awkwardness.
"So, one of my favorite bands is playing on Thursday, and I think you'd really like them. I know what you're thinking--is this a Valentine's thing? But let's not put that pressure on ourselves to define the evening. Let's just call it a Thursday thing and ignore the date on the calendar. "
But keep in mind that I am horribly alone in the world and spend Valentine's Day every year with an asthmatic cat and a cardboard box of Necco Conversation Hearts. And I force myself to read the message on each heart before I eat it.
Why don't you find out first whether she likes the band or not?
Carli, thanks for the advice! It's in the hopper and I'll let you know what comes out.
Why do you read the message on the heart? I think I'd probably eat the hearts without reading the messages - it'd be my form of rebellion. Sort of like putting a stamp on an envelope upside down as a form of political protest.
Bernie: she won't know the band. I think there are only like ten people in the world who know the band. Also introducing someone to a new band live is always pretty fun, especially when the band is this good.
Of course, if she is a reader of Salt in Wound, you're done for.
Frank, that's true. But I have two outs:
1) If you google "Salt in wound" and then my last name, nothing comes up.
2) If she does read it, I don't think there's anything for her to object to. In fact, perhaps her interest would be piqued.
Nonetheless, please: no pranking by posting my last name. ;)
Here's what I'd do. And let's keep in mind that I'm single, 38, and have made an appointment to do my taxes on Thursday night.
1) I'd plan to go to the show regardless, unless the band involves male/female harmonies, in which case I'd stay home and watch Lipstick Jungle, especially if I was a Nielsen family. But if it's not a show where there will be an uncomfortable number of hipster couples who look a little too much alike, go even if you're alone and bask in music's ability to transcend our personal woes.
2) email her Thursday morning and say "Hey, happy Valentine's Day. Do you have thrilling plans?" Now you've: acknowledged the elephant in the room, while gently mocking it.
3) If she replies, "Well, not thrilling, but I'm having dinner with a friend. And you?" then you can honestly say that you're seeing this cool band.
If she replies, "Well, if a bottle of red wine and Lipstick Jungle is your idea of thrilling, then yes I do. You?" Then you say, I am TiVo'ing L.J. this week because I just found out band-so-and-so is playing. They're really good if you wanna come along."
4) And so maybe she does come along. Hooray. If she doesn't, you still go (see #1). And then you make a plan for casual get-together number four.
I'm going to see if one of the other Franks I know will chime in on this. Good luck Robert!!!
at this point, after carefully concealing that i was interested for three dates, i would give her an ultimatum. and put a clock on it.
Honestly, I think it might be best to leave the country.
no, we're not going to let her make robert leave the country. if she's not fretting about this on her blog just as much as he is on his blog, she can leave the country. it doesn't sound like she's an asset anyway, not in the war on terror and not in communicating clearly her intentions.
Jack, good ideas. I'll address your points one by one:
1) I'd plan to go to the show regardless, unless the band involves male/female harmonies, in which case I'd stay home and watch Lipstick Jungle, especially if I was a Nielsen family...
The band involves male/female harmonies. In fact, the entire band is one married couple. They're sort of like the White Stripes crossed with, uh, some other band that's not the White Stripes.
But the choice you gave me is no good - I don't own a television - I do all my TV watching on the Internet. (I'm the guy over which the writers threw their little strike).
2) email her Thursday morning and say "Hey, happy Valentine's Day. Do you have thrilling plans?" Now you've: acknowledged the elephant in the room, while gently mocking it.
This is a possibility, and thank you!
3) If she replies, "Well, not thrilling, but I'm having dinner with a friend. And you?" then you can honestly say that you're seeing this cool band.
If she replies, "Well, if a bottle of red wine and Lipstick Jungle is your idea of thrilling, then yes I do. You?" Then you say, I am TiVo'ing L.J. this week because I just found out band-so-and-so is playing. They're really good if you wanna come along."
No Tivo (see #1 above).
4) And so maybe she does come along. Hooray. If she doesn't, you still go (see #1). And then you make a plan for casual get-together number four.
I like this too!
Scott, if you're referring to my previous I'm-moving-to-Canada post: excellent callback, and I'm surprised John didn't pick up on it. If you're not, then excellent coincidence anyway.
John, I'm happy to have you carry any perceived anger at this woman for the both of us.
> let's keep in mind that I'm single, 38, and have made
> an appointment to do my taxes on Thursday night.
Jack, I'm single, 48, and my taxes can go fuck themselves.
As a single female who has faced this same dilemma 3 of the past 5 years (I have since vowed not to start dating anyone between Thanksgiving and V-day), I would suggest just inviting her to go see the band with you and not mentioning the “holiday” at all. If you state right away that you know it’s V-day but you don’t want her to think this is V-day date that can lead to a whole string of messes.
When I go out on V-day, I usually bring an amusing, non-committal card which has my own amusing, non-committal sentiment on it and I throw it in my purse just in case. I’m assuming you don’t carry a purse but if you have a chance to rifle through hers on Thursday, don’t be surprised if you find the token “just-in-case” card. Fortunately, 2 of the past 3 times, I’ve been able to throw this card out after a fun-filled, non-Valentine-y evening.
Hope you have fun!
Kristen, last night before I went to bed I sent her an email doing exactly that! I opened it with "If you don't have any plans for Thursday night..." to at least jog her memory that perhaps there was something going on that night she'd need to deal with.
(Yes, email. Sling your barbs and arrows!) (That's not to you in particular, Kristen, it's to anyone who might have a strong opinion on that.)
Kristen, do you have an hunting season opening ceremony on February 15th or anything like that?
I had no idea how Valentine's day affected people. I've always ignored it.
I have nothing against e-mail as it allows you to avoid initial awkward phone conversations. As long as you make an effort to pick up the phone once in a while and also make an effort to see the woman, e-mail is just fine in my book. In this instance, in particular, sending an e-mail was a good call because it makes it more casual.
As for my “hunting season” I suppose I should think about having some sort of party featuring my seasonal availability on the dating market. I would like to think though that it is so highly anticipated by the male of the species that no formal announcement is necessary. Ha.
Something tells me John is still seething with rage.
Jack, Carli, Kristen: if my friend says no, maybe we can all get together that night to do our taxes, eat candy hearts, and riffle through each other's purses (or perhaps satchels). I'm in Northern California; it's a long trip from NY but perhaps John will sponsor this as the first SiW gathering and spring for the airfare? I'd only ask that if the strike really does settle tomorrow though.
Kristen, I agree with you about the email. It was also a good call because she's a slow email responder and there's going to be time between her having read the invite and her responding to think it through and come up with the Valentines day connection on her own.
Oh - you'd said "two of the last three times" you threw away the Valentine's card. What happened the third time?
the third time, she gave it to him, and he said, "i'm not your boyfriend."
I wish John! The 3rd time he gave me a card and a stuffed chicken (he thought I'd like that?) and I had to give him a card in return. Not surprisingly, that relationship was doomed.
This may be of secondary importance, but what is the band? There was a time when I would have been one of the ten people to have heard of them. While this is no longer true - I just heard of Amy Winehouse for the first time yesterday (admittedly, not the same thing) - I like to listen to what I can.
maybe we could get judd apatow, paul rudd, and seth rogan to advise you on this? i don't think we have enough people thinking about it, plus their good natured comraderie could bring a sense of bawdy fun.
yeah, i think robert should name the band, so when she searches it, based on his casual thursday invitation, she comes across this site. are you out of your fucking mind, frank?!
I forgot what the question was.
John, how about Michael Cera? He'd have the sweetest opinion.
Frank: it does feel weird posting the band name, only because I've tried to keep everything as generic as possible. But I'm happy to send you the name in email if you want. If anyone else wants to know, I can email it to you too.
In this case you probably wouldn't have been one of the ten. "Ten" wasn't much of an exaggeration (or perhaps under-exaggeration). They're a local band and the only reason I know them is that a friend of mine is friends with the woman in the band and invited me to a show. There were about ten of us in the audience that night and about eight the only other time I saw them play. It's way more harder to know bands now with myspace and such. You know how Andy Warhol said "in the future everyone will be famous for 15 minutes?" There's another modern version of that, which is "in the future, everyone will be famous for 15 minutes to 15 people." Already true.
very prudent not posting the band name. you've laid too much groundwork, put your heart and soul into this. this is no time to start taking chances.
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Why doesn't he make a freaking puzzle out of it and the band's name is the answer? Frank deserves better.
i have an idea for a post, but i don't want to take this one out of the top position just yet. it's too important.
Bernie, you're assuming Frank is better at puzzles than my friend. Do you think I'd be interested in a woman who wasn't good at puzzles? Also why is it easier for Frank to solve a puzzle than for me to send him an email?
Hide the band name in one of the mesas, so that only I will be able to find it.
As for email, I just set up a new one, a nod to William Kennedy:
frank at oalbany dot net
Just sent Frank the band name. And to satisfy you, Bernie, I sent the name as a puzzle.
Ah, but Robert, TiVo is not necessary with the show that singlehandedly ended the writers strike because the public refused to have a gap in new episodes, Lipstick Jungle: Full episodes are available online:
http://www.nbc.com/Lipstick_Jungle/video/episodes.shtml
I just spent an inordinate amount of time on the East bay Express website trying to divine the name of the band, and I came up empty.
Jack, I'm intrigued. How could you eliminate all the bands playing in the Bay Area that night? There are a lot of them.
Frank, adventure points == style points.
There are 125 events listed that night. If I limit it to rock/pop, it cuts it down to 17 events. None of which match the duo description. Though I do see that Gene Loves Jezebel is in town that day.
If Gene Loves Jezebel is in fact the group Robert claims Frank has never heard of, I can say for sure he is wrong. As far as a harmonizing duo, well, creatively speaking, perhaps.
Gene Loves Jezebel?!? Please.
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do i even have to say it's wednesday?
Update: we are going to the show!
Also, can I say that as a single person, this whole "lets-go-out-on-valentines-day" thing sucks? Sucks enough that I'm not going to capitalize the words in "valentine's day" - another form of totally ineffective and yet only mildly satisfying form of protest.
Okay, it's Valentines Day. What happened?
he's invested
Scott, do you mean aside from wbat I wrote at the top of the last comment, that we're going to the show? The show hasn't started yet...
Please say you didn't post that from the show using some sort of hand-held device.
Final update: my friend cancelled, but did it in a very graceful way and I'm fine with it. I did wind up going to the show with three other people. Frank, no, I didn't post that from the show (which didn't start until 10) but did wind up texting back and forth with one of my friends who was there because we couldn't hear each other.
The show itself was odd - last two times I'd seen them was at a club, and this was a rather large bar, and most of the people were there to drink and not to hear a band. There were a total of six people who were there specifically watching the band and not talking.
This comment is the 49th, which makes this both the longest thread here, and is also the same as John's birthday number! Happy Birthday, John.
I'm going to kick this to fifty, just for Cuba. Viva!
What does 50 have to do with Cuba?
I'm kicking this to 51, in honor of a deck of cards that's missing a card.
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