A Night at the Movies
Last night Bernie and I went out to the movies. I'm happier watching screeners here, but Bernie sometimes likes to go out, so we left Isa with the babysitter and off we went.
The theatre was fine. The floors had just been mopped, the screen was large and clean, and there was no chewed gum stuck visibly under any seats. The movie started, and then another couple sits right behind us. And they were both drinking sodas.
Yes. I understand that when people go to the movies, they sometimes drink soda. Of course. But this couple had ice in their soda. Not just one of of the couple - both of them. So the whole movie was accompanied by a cacophonous screeching of icebergs grinding together. It was like we were on the Titanic, but on the Titanic it only happened once. This was over and over again.
Some advice: if you want to drink soda in a movie, that's fine. Only ask for it without ice! Or, if you have to have ice, then leave two or three empty rows between yourself and the people in front of you. And if the theatre's full and you have to sit right behind someone, then sit behind people who have ice in their own drinks. Then the whole bunch of you can sit there drinking your sodas and jerking each other off for all I care.
The theatre was fine. The floors had just been mopped, the screen was large and clean, and there was no chewed gum stuck visibly under any seats. The movie started, and then another couple sits right behind us. And they were both drinking sodas.
Yes. I understand that when people go to the movies, they sometimes drink soda. Of course. But this couple had ice in their soda. Not just one of of the couple - both of them. So the whole movie was accompanied by a cacophonous screeching of icebergs grinding together. It was like we were on the Titanic, but on the Titanic it only happened once. This was over and over again.
Some advice: if you want to drink soda in a movie, that's fine. Only ask for it without ice! Or, if you have to have ice, then leave two or three empty rows between yourself and the people in front of you. And if the theatre's full and you have to sit right behind someone, then sit behind people who have ice in their own drinks. Then the whole bunch of you can sit there drinking your sodas and jerking each other off for all I care.
Labels: unsolicited criticism, who wrote this?
posted by Robert at
9:51 AM
21 Comments:
hilarious. it's not something i would complain about, but the beat-a-dead-horse-examine-from-every-angle approach is exactly the one i would take.
He'd complain about the way someone was rummaging through a popcorn bucket for the buttered pieces, though.
John, thanks! When you say that "it's not something you'd complain about", you understand that there's no way for anyone but you to know what you would or wouldn't complain about ahead of time, until you'd either complained or not? No complaint: loud ice. Complaint: mayo in salad dressing, and apparently popcorn bucket rummaging.
To anyone but you, the difference in circumstances might seem, um, random. Or maybe you're using a very specific sorting algorithm that just looks random to the uninformed?
I read this before there were any comments and when I saw that it was posted by Robert I said to myself "that's pretty good but it doesn't sound exactly like John wrote it!"
Then I thought, wait a second, what if they're fucking with us and John wrote it and e-mailed it to Robert for him to post and us to say "that doesn't really sound like John." :)
I think I'll just wait before I fall for the trap!
Good job Robert! And it really pisses me off too when people in a movie theater keep tipping their empty cup back to suck whatever water's melted in it over the course of fifteen seconds since they did it last. AARRRGGGG!!!!
i've certainly never been one of those people who thinks you need the communal laughter of a large movie audience to throughly enjoy a comedy. there's nothing like it, some say. you can't replicate it at home. i'm fine at home, don't worry about me.
Last weekend I went to see Cassandra's Dream (and i loved it, all you Woody haters, take that!). The only combo really suitable to a solo movie goer at this theater is a regular popcorn and a large bottle of water. Otherwise I would've had soda and been knocking those cubes around willy-nilly because to order a soda without ice reminds me too much of my cheap uncle who I think is trying to maximize the amount of beverage.
I ate the popcorn, I drank the water. And, so, maybe there was half an hour left in the movie—I'm a cinephile, and can usually notice Syd Field's plot points—and I realized, wow, I need to urinate.
Well, I do not leave a theater during a movie. In fact, I'm one of those annoying jerks who stays to watch every last credit because I thought I heard a snippet of a Stone Roses' song. So I held it in.
Movie ends, credits roll, credits end. Standing and walking was a little painful and I feared internal damage but I made it to the restroom. A co-worker had mentioned that he sometimes timed his pee and I thought it would be a fun time to do this. "One one-thousand, two one-thousand...." The upshot: I peed for 50 seconds! Steady! I was very proud. Try it at home and see if you can top me.
if i could hold it in for that long, i could pee for that long. in a way, the contest is about how long you can hold it in. i lose on every front.
i can ejaculate for fifty seconds, but what use is that?
I have some "friends" in the "film industry" who'd be very interested to meet you. It's a non-SAG job.
Jack, I used to not leave the theatre if I had to pee but as I get older I need to pee more frequently, and the output is way less. I peed right before "There Will Be Blood" and had to leave the theatre to pee twice during the movie. I could have held it in if I had to but it was affecting my concentration.
And this on a second date!
In any event, as of late there's less urine and it takes a lot longer. My point is that you're setting up the wrong criteria. Sure, I can outlast you temporally but what's to be proud of there if it'd fill just a cup or so?
Volume, my friend. Volume. That's where where the smart money bets. Or perhaps on some slightly more complicated formula that takes both time and volume into account.
Ken, I'm glad you liked the post but if you weren't sure John wrote it, then I failed.
It's certainly possible that the only reason I felt that way is because it was posted by you!
Robert: "Steady" was the last word I added to my comment because, yes, the force of the flow is important in this competition. Before adding that word, I actually thought of an older co-worker who takes a long time to pee and i got a little melancholy.
Jason Sudekis did a nice SNL fake commercial on this topic.
Jack, I'm proud to say my flow is steady! "Consistent", even. Unsteady comes even later in life.
Ken: good point. I'm still curious to know whether it fools Chris and Frank, and if so, what conclusions might be drawn by John about the way he leads his life.
A slightly more complicated formula that takes both time and volume into account...
a differential equation comes to mind.
what about after dribble?
it could involve calculus because it converges to a limit of zero, but it takes fucking forever.
Bernie, I'm thinking quadratic reciprocity, or perhaps an injective cogenerator?
If we simplify a bladder to a small cylindrical tank, there is a great differential equation which , when given the initial height of the urine in the tank, we will know how long it takes the tank to empty. One interesting thing to note is the size of the drain hole is crucial in this formula.
How do you type differential equations into blogger?
dy/dx...dA... not easily I guess.
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